I hate another performer. What do I do now?
How do you work in an industry when you hate someone? Or you have a falling out? I’ts a hard road to navigate. But it shouldn’t cause you any more angst than any 9-5 work drama should have.
I will note upfront that I’ve been called a bitch more than once. But in my opinion, handling conflict head on is more professional. I don’t tackle problems in performing or creative industries in any way different to another workplace.
Lets get into what to avoid.
Passive aggressive behaviour
Passive aggressiva is a specific land fed and flourished through the demon God of Facebook. Do you say vaguely insulting comments across social media ( or backstage!). Then deny it with a statement like “I didn't mean it like that" or " I wasn't referring to you" or "I'm just joking (!)". Most people don’t do this in person. But it’s commonplace on social media. Here’s a hot tip: this kind of behaviour doesn’t ever help resolve a conflict or problem.
Unfortunately these kind of remarks, are not just detrimental to you and the person you are having a crack it. It also means you never develop the skills to resolve a problem or conflict. Which sucks when you are an adult.
How do I know this? I’ve made all these mistakes and then some. It’s hard to look at my bitch face now, but there was once time when I hated conflict so much I would do anything than to avoid an uncomfortable discussion with someone. But I learnt the hard way, early on in my burlesque career. By having a way of tackling conflict and becoming assertive I could have dealt with a lot of problems with less angst.
Now I’m more confident in myself. I'm not afraid to have a bad conversation with someone or to say when I think something isn't right. Here’s how I do it:
I value conflict as part of life and part of the creative process. It can be uncomfortable, but it also builds trust when you are able to resolve problems without hostility
I have empathy. Sure I can blow my handle. But it’s pretty rare. I generally take some time out and see where the other person is coming from. And avoid a snap decision if I'm angry. It's about developing a bit of empathy for other person and trying to get to a point where you can compromise and resolve any dramas. And If I don’t understand why they are behaving in a particular way, I ask them.
I take time. Sometimes this isn’t always a good thing. And I have been accused of ‘shutting down’. But I do like to take time to think through my words and how I respond. Especially for the big stuff.
I try to compromise. Work out what the issue is and what both parties think is the ideal solution. Then give a bit of ground. Or find something new - a new idea or proposal that is completely different.
Here’s what I don’t do
I don’t become a keyboard warrior
I don’t chuck off emails, texts and Facebook statuses. Especially 'I'm so annoyed right now' passive aggressive remarks. Instead I like to set our angry remarks aside.
I don't write anything down I wouldn’t say in person.
So you know what not to do. Here are some general ideas for resolving conflict or addressing an issue with another artist.
Take some private Space
There's also a space for resolving conflict. And it's probably not in a group with twenty other people around. It might be via e-mail (bearing no 4 in mind). Or it might be catching up for a coffee. It's also not when someone is mad rushed off their feet - say preparing for a show or backstage. Be smart. Make some time to sit down or have a phone conversation
Don’t make it personal.
If you're annoyed that someone's undercut you or taken a booking, calling them a fat bitch isn't going to help. Tell them exactly what has upset/confused/annoyed you.
Come with a solution or resolution
There’s not much point taking the time out to have a conversation with a performer if you don’t have a resolution in mind - or if you aren’t willing to resolve the issue. If it’s someone that just rubs you up the wrong way, you might need to resolve those feelings in yourself. Otherwise go in thinking about what would help you move on and resolve the issues at hand. And what you are prepared to do.
If there's no resolution in sight or trust has been irrevocably broken you can still be slightly amicable and part ways. This could be a recognition that you don't work well together and need to go your separate ways. There's no shame in that!
Let it go
Resolved something? Don't then keep bitching about the performer/booker/venue to all and sundry. Those you work with constantly will know the performers or venues that you simply cannot work with. That's probably enough. If you can count those on more than one hand you're probably moaning way too much.
None of these suggestions are 'bitchy'. It's about become more secure in your ability to have an upfront discussion when problems emerge. And identifying what is having a confidential chat/second opinion or little grizzle with a close friend - compared to belittling, bitching and running someone down.
Any other suggestions? I'm always happy to hear from you. Especially if you've had a problem and managed to resolve it well. Great for future learning!