Challenges for the year ahead
I think I drafted this post about 20 times before I finally had the balls to click publish.
I’m not often so introspective, and generally focus on using my blog to share tips on performing or surviving in burlesque.
And sometimes just how to buy a red lipstick (because I’m deep, right?).
But I’ve realised that the ‘surviving in burlesque’ and setting yourself up as a performer, is also about personal development; acknowledging the very real challenges that sit beneath the surface.
I always aim to share and connect with my students, followers and audience. It’s part of my commitment to be open and honest as a performer, a mentor and teacher.
Honesty is something I hugely value in my personal and professional life. And bringing that to stage and to class is a big part of who I am as a person.
So in that spirit, I’m sharing some reflections. Because it’s a time of year when this is often front of mind for me.
Without backtracking too much, I’ve had a lot of mental challenges in the past 12-18 months. As a performer, there were a few moments in time where I really didn’t know If I could bringing that honesty and authenticity into my classes or to stage. And if I couldn’t, I really struggled with what kind of performer or teacher I would be without it, and if I had the right to remain in business.
So I kind of sorted that conundrum out.
But it does always pose a question about how I bring that honesty and keep that commitment.
My big reflection in the past few weeks on surviving and grown in burlesque is that balance can be a huge issue. It’s been front of mind for me as I actually took a genuine holiday and disconnected for several days. Without the day to day bustle of life, the challenges that I experience and sometimes avoid really presented themselves.
And I also know that this will be something that my tribe will really resonate with. The holiday season can be a really hard time of the year.
For some of us it’s the over socialising and presence of family, friends and over extending ourselves. The pressure to be ‘on’
For others it’s an absence of loved ones, financial strain and the struggle of grief in a period where we are often surrounded by images of happiness and connection
I really struggle with grief, and the absence of loved ones coupled with the pressure to perform and to deliver for other people. This was really front of mind for me.
By being offline recently, I was forced to confront a lot of things. I became physically removed from things that I put in place to distract me (in my mind to cope, but it is really avoidance): exercise, eating patterns are most obvious at this time of the year where the diet goes out the window. But also the need to reply and respond ‘now’.
Not every piece of this behaviour is unhelpful: being punctual with emails, exercising, eating well are not bad qualities. But what I realised was that I had tried to control this more, and more and more.
Because it’s easier to control your plate or to sweat your ass off, than to stop ,sit and feel sad.
And I can’t be the only person in burlesque that does this. And it affects me as a performer, because if I’m being unkind to my body or I’m disconnected from others, I don’t know if I give a great performance.
(And just for fun I also get a double negative, because I get a double spiral loop of self hatred for feeling like a hypocrite when I’m in class encouraging kindness towards our bodies and our mind - at a time when I’m perhaps not practising what I preach.)
So it’s a nasty cycle. And to be completely honest, when you are forced to take time out and to change your patterns, if you are an anxious person, it can feel like the world is ending. And I have to dig deep and really challenge that inner monologue.
I hope by sharing this that I encourage you to challenge that inner monologue. And I’m here for the other artists, students and community members that are right now feeling sad, lonely and not connected to family and loved ones.
But what’s my hope for the year ahead?
It’s not to feel less of this. Because to feel less would mean that I keep busy. That I avoid holidays, rest and relaxation. And that I put more structures, more excuses and more barriers up.
To use a dance analogy. The first time I picked up my feather fans my wrists hurt and my abs killed me from dancing with them. Now they feel fine and are hugely part of my life.
So I hope that as I go into 2019, that you see me:
Share my experiences in a continued spirit of honesty and openness
Give myself more opportunities to challenge the structures I put up in my life
Give myself permission to be sad
As I head into the final stages of 2018 my internal mantra: Explore, stop, rest. read.
(PS - You’ll notice my blog is on a new platform. Yes there will be more to come as I move my website over!)
